Karaoke Christmas Christmas was lots of fun. I went to Brooklyn to visit my cousins and sang karaoke for hours. It started off as a rainy day, but by the time I left it was a white Christmas. It was nice catching up with my cousins. I only see them sporadically, but I always feel comfortable around them. It was also really nice staying at my parent's house and hanging out with my brother. All told, it was a rather lazy and relaxing week. I didn't do a whole aside from relax and think. 2002 was full of so many changes for me, yet I feel as if life was happening to me rather than me living it. I hope to make even more changes in 2003. Hopefully all my professional plans will come together. Hopefully I'll get rid of some people (person?) that continue to hurt me. Hopefully I can find resolution--one way or another--with the one girl I truly loved over the last two years. We shall see where it all goes, but hopefully I'll have the focus and resolve to see it all through. It's funny, I was talking with J-Fo and we had similar views on our '02s. Lots of things happened for us, mostly good but none in the direction we ultimately want to go in. We both have plans to make the changes we want in '03. I hope it happens for both of us.

Merry Xpop My second-favorite band in the world (Majestic) did a super-cool indie-pop version of Joy to the World. Christmas carols with a Moog are so cool. Download it now!

RaymondPop.com For most of December, I really haven't had anything to write about. Life has been blah, work has been blah, and my love life has been...kind of sad actually. I guess I was saving all my emotional energy for this week. So much has happened and will happen. It's been exciting, but a little draining. Last week The Girl didn't come to my company party with me. She didn't even call to say she couldn't or didn't want to make it. It really sucked. I was/am so disappointed in her. I ended up not going and miserably worked at home on a Saturday. Yes, I'm a winner. Thankfully, I had a brief excursion to San Francisco. The Kid and I continued to work on our super-secret plan (the big pitch is this Friday) and I got to see Heidi and Tobie. I got a peck on the cheek from Tobie that sent my giggle factor to 11. Sadly, that's been my romantic highlight of Q4. Even sadder is that there was nothing romantic about it on her end. Yes, I'm a loser. We finally talked on Monday and I told her how I felt, albeit in a rather feeble manner. It's hard because I really do love her and I want to tell her how much she hurts me, but I don't want to make hurt her by doing so. Anyway, I was ready to just leave it all behind and not expect anything from her ever again, but she wants to try to make things right. She knows she's been taking me for granted and hasn't been treating me the way I deserve. Since the talk, she's called and emailed every day. I'm not sure. I don't want to make her talk to me out of guilt and I don't want to burden her when she has so much going on. And right now I feel like her phone calls and emails are forced. Raina and Rannie think I'm behaving like an abused woman that keeps giving the abuser another chance. An interesting byproduct of my talk with The Girl is that I was so emotional about the whole thing that I wrote a song. I haven't written music in years. I was never very good at it, but it's a great outlet for whatever I'm feeling. It's called "You Break My Heart" and it's the first indie-pop style song I've ever written. It's all happy and jangly, but the lyrics are very bitter. If I ever want to perform it, I'll have the change the key since I wrote with Nicole's (from Charming) voice in mind. Anyway, I should get back to working on the super-secret stuff. With any luck, my life will dramatically change on Friday.

Where the Heart Is Esmond, Lizyle, and Emily are over right now. After spending Thanksgiving in San Francisco, they came down here to visit Steve and me. It's hard to describe how wonderful it is to have them over. I've had many visitors here in Irvine, but this is the first time I've had family (by way of college) over. It was awesome just hanging out, putting together a big meal, and just messing around. There's something comforting and comfortable about the whole thing. I'm cherishing every minute.