Courtship and Philosophy So I was in San Francisco yesterday (again). I purposely took the latest flight possible so I could stop by and see Tobie. My intention was to ask her out to dinner, since I�ll be in town again next week. This was probably the most frightened I�ve been all year. I got there, hugged her hello, and ordered a latte. Nerves promptly kicked in, so I went outside, smoked ten cigarettes, and made several phone calls seeking encouragement. An hour later she comes out for her break and sits with me. We start chatting, and I get the nerve to ask her�then Heidi came. Now, Heidi is a very cool girl, but she totally crushed any progress I made fighting back my doubts. So the three of us are hanging outside for a bit. Finally, my cab to the airport arrived. I put my stuff in the trunk and said to myself, �Self, the reason why you came to the coffeehouse was to see if this wonderful girl would go out with you next week.� So I asked her to dinner�and she said yes! Now, I don�t have any expectations, other than going out with a really cool, really hot girl next week. I don�t know if either of us will have fun or if it will lead to something more. But I�m happy that I�m going to get to find out. Rejection is probably my biggest fear, but Tobie is really special and I haven�t met anyone that I�ve been so jazzed about getting to know in a really long time. So I�m super psyched that my attraction to her overcame my fear of rejection. In a way, it�s a little sad that simply asking a girl out to dinner is such a big deal for me. Certainly I�ve had dalliances over the last few years, but those just sort of happened. It was never me meeting a girl, asking her out, and it leading to something more. I�m not resting all my hopes and dreams on this �date,� but I�m hopeful that we can be a bigger part of each other�s lives. Work ended interestingly today. Four of us sat outside, smoking on the patio when we started to randomly philosophize -- a bunch of young men naively postulating about life. Asking how much we can truly change the world. Asking how significant our roles in it really are. It was far more detailed than that, but that was gist of it. One of the boys felt that he wasn�t living up to his potential unless he could make a significant change to the world. Another thought that our actions are insignificant and don�t truly matter. I guess I was somewhere in between. Someone once said, �I can�t change the world, but I can change my world and perhaps the world of a few others. And that�s fine.� I honestly believe that sharing my thoughts and experiences with others and having them benefit from them is one of the best things I can do. The quote, by the way, is from Boris Becker. Who knew that some tennis player would provide me with one of my strongest beliefs.

Simplicity, Thy Name is Irvine I just got back from San Francisco. I got lots of work done and had a wonderful time. It was so nice seeing my friends, going to my old digs, and seeing my dream girl. Take a look at the picture. I love that look on my face. I don�t remember the last time I was that happy. We�ll get back to her later, after I talk about some ancillary stuff. As much as I�m enjoying the made-for-pool-lounging weather in Irvine, I miss the crisp climate of San Francisco. I forgot how cool it gets up there in the summer. The weather was made for hoodies and Irvine is simply too warm for them. I really miss wearing my hoodies. There�s something extremely comforting about an article of clothing that envelopes you and that you can get lost in. Oddly enough, I miss San Francisco less than I thought I would. I definitely miss it, but there�s something about the simplicity of Irvine that�s very good for me right now. I can be more focused down here, and I can channel more energy into self-improvement and my job. For now, that�s exactly what I need. When I�m ready, I�m sure I�ll end up back in San Francisco or New York. I missed Tobie more than I thought. It was incredible to see her and I my heart was really heavy after we said goodbye. Still, it was a lovely goodbye (I really didn�t want to let go) and I can�t wait to see her again. It�s good and unusual--for me anyway--that I�m not dwelling on the fact that were hundreds of miles from each other and focusing on the next time I get to see her. There is something that�s confusing me though. I�m not really sure what my feelings for Tobie are. It�s easy to dismiss them as another one of my stupid crushes that I use to distract myself from real feelings�but this woman touches my heart in a very genuine way. Logically there are dozens of reasons why this can�t work, but if she wanted something more intimate I�d give her my all. It�s safe having her in San Francisco, apart from my everyday reality, but I�m very much captivated by Tobie�so much so that I might ask for more�soon.

The Fuzzies Return I just got back from seeing Tobie. Although she�s often on my mind, there�s so much that I�ve forgotten. I forgot how I absolutely melt when I see her smile. I forgot how weak my knees get when I look into her amazing eyes. I forgot how blissful I feel when I hear her laugh. I forgot how nervous and excited I get when I�m half a block away from the coffeehouse, tingling with anticipation to see her. I forgot how helpless she makes me feel when I�m standing next to her, utterly charmed. I forgot what it was like to be at Farley�s, stop whatever I was doing, look at her, and have my breath taken away. I forgot how content I feel when I�m hugging her, not wanting to let go. I forgot what it was like to have someone give your heart the fuzzies. As with anything else, it�s not all good. I forgot how frightened I get with women I�m truly attracted to. I forgot how scared of rejection I am. I forgot how inactive I get with women and how I rarely take the opportunity to initiate something more. Still, the good definitely outweighed the bad. It was super lovely that Kate, Rannie, and my best-friend-in-the-industry were there too. More than once I was told by one of them that I get starry eyed when I think about Tobie. Justin took a most splendid picture of Tobie and me. I can�t wait to get it so I can make it my new desktop (sorry Kitten). It would make my year if this picture were in a future issue of Game Informer. I�d love to be able to go to Farley�s and tell Tobie, �Look, it�s us.� It really is a brilliant picture. And perhaps that�s all I want it to be. She�s perfect like that and I�m perfectly safe adoring her from afar (well, Irvine anyway). Certainly there�s a part of me that wants more from her. And I�d love to give more to her. But there�s a part of me that�s terrified of her saying she doesn�t wish the same. As much as I think our views on love are compatible, I don�t think I could bear her telling me she doesn�t think of me that way--even though I know she doesn�t. The reality of it would ruin me. Even though my heart isn�t bleeding from that PR girl anymore, there�s definite scarring. I guess it�s funny that there are some people that think I�m strong, when in actuality I�m quite fragile�and definitely a mess.

Countdown Lately I�ve been internalizing. I�ve had plenty to say, but lacked the inclination to really talk about it. So instead of dealing with what�s bothering me, I�ve thrown myself in to mindless activities like bowling and tanning. I�m getting particularly good at the latter. Over the weekend Jenny and some of the boys from work were over. As settled in as I am, there�s still much I have to buy. The boys brought over some frozen pizza and I realized that I didn�t have any cookie sheets to cook it on or a knife to cut it with. It�s a good thing Rannie bought me that barbecue set, because that three foot knife doubles nicely as a pizza cutter (not really). Wednesday I go to San Francisco. This will be my first time back since I�ve moved. There are tons of people I want to see and things I want to do. I�ll probably get around to a tenth of them. My best-friend-in-the-industry will be around, so it will be super cool to hang out with him. Hopefully I�ll get to see his slut too (tee-hee). Of course, I�m super excited to see Tobie. I know she�ll be glad to see me, but probably not overly so. That�s just how it goes with me. The girls I fancy never think about me too much. They�re always on my mind exponentially more than I am on theirs. Whatever. I still can�t wait to see her.

Insane in the Membrane I�m pretty sure I�m going psycho (relatively speaking that is). I�ve been pathetically insecure and paranoid this week. I guess I�ve had a lot going on and there�s only one person I�ve been sharing it all with. Of the three people that I usually burden with all my nonsense, one has been dying while the other hasn�t been there for me (not too surprising). I�m better than I was earlier in the week, but I�m still considering seeing a therapist if it�s covered by my health insurance. The worst part of my whole episode is that James probably thinks I�m a retard now, and I can�t really blame him. I know I was silly and irrational, but I don�t have nor do I want to make any excuses. Unfortunately, I showed him a part of me that I�m embarrassed of. On one hand I�m afraid he thinks less of me, but on the other it�s a very real part of who I am and--for better or worse--one that helps him understand me better. Oh well, at least I have lots to look forward to this month. I should be going to San Francisco twice, so I can catch up with lots of friends. I can�t wait to see Tobie! I�ll also have a surprise, but most welcomed, visitor too. Finally, Steve should finally be moving in at the end of the month. I guess it�s all uphill from here. Cool.

Boo! Wow, it�s been a long time since my last blog. It�s been tough since I haven�t had Internet access at home until today. The last month has been really strange--so many ups and downs. I miss San Francisco and my friends, but work is pretty rad and I love my apartment. It�s just that thing between my apartment and work--a.k.a. Irvine--that I�m not so hot about. I missed making my binary lists, so here�s one to celebrate my blogging: Good: My apartment rules. Bad: I miss Tobie. Good: I absolutely love the two girls that sent me the deluxe edition of Scrabble. I was actually crying when I received it. I miss playing with you guys while fawning over Tobie. Bad: I�m so angry with the girl that continually disappoints me. I like to think I give a lot to you--and at one time I would have given you everything--but lately when I�ve really needed you, you weren�t there for me. Good: I�m so happy for my best-friend-in-the-industry and his really hot visitor. Bad: I wish I could tell you everything that�s on my mind. I know I can trust you�it�s just weird. Hmmmmm, my last good-bad set is still too personal. I�ll keep this one to myself for now. My new scooter rules, btw. Almost as much as Jen's latest picture on the Aislers Set site. And Raina, stop dying. You�re yelling at me too much.