�Bombs away� or �Kismet my grits� Man did my interview suck. I was extremely nervous--certainly the most nervous I�ve been in years. I was stuttering and I got across maybe ten percent of what I wanted to convey. I pray that they call my references, because there�s no way I�m getting a callback based on that interview. As nervous as I get around girls that I�m attracted to, this was ten times worse. I totally bombed. Maybe it�s fate though, since immediately after my wretched interview I received a bunch of emails for freelance gigs. Perhaps my immediate destiny is to freelance for a bit. This way I can stay in the biz, bring some money in, and still have the free time to find whatever it is I�m looking for. Big-time thanks to Amazon, FHM, PSE2, and Pop Image for keeping me busy. Now go be a pal and tell them how much you enjoy my stuff (make sure to wait until it's actually printed or live). I�ve really been enjoying have weekdays off. I went to another $1 ticket/$1 hot dog A�s game today. It was a day game so I got to work on my tan--actually my arms kind of ache from sunburn. Freelancing would allow me to continue to enjoy these simple pleasures, not to mention the numerous weekday offers I get for cheap Las Vegas rooms. I�ll have to give this more thought. If freelance opportunities continue to present themselves then maybe dropping the ball with the GameSpot interview isn�t such a bad thing.

�Letters to Clea� or �The sound of silence� I�ve been in a weird mood lately. I know, I know, big surprise. It�s just that there are things in life I really want and I know they can happen, but I�m so afraid to try. I find it so odd that one can be frightened of success in life, love, etc., but here I am. Like anything that�s real in life, I have a sports analogy for it. I feel like David Cone last year. Obviously he wanted to win and had the game to do it, but he was so afraid of his own stuff that he lost a lot more than he won. Sue me, I make stupid analogies every now and then. There�s just stuff I want with all my heart, but I�m so scared to try. Against my better judgement I shared my feelings with two of my friends. I can only imagine how ridiculous I sounded. There�s an old Indian saying that goes something like, �Let the fire burn, but do not let the smoke escape your lips.� I should be mindful of it and shut up more. I�ve developed a huge crush on Clea DuVall. Several of the characters she plays have a cool combination of being strong, yet gentle, and a little crazy. She�s just outstandingly sexy to me right now. My job interview at GameSpot is tomorrow so I better get some sleep.

�E3 fallout� or �Fisherman�s Friend� Blogger.com has been down most of this week. Although I could update my blog, it felt weird not being able to see it. It shouldn�t matter though. If anything, this site is for me to put some thoughts down on paper so I can look back at how insane I�ve been. I�m still trying to figure out what to do with my $200 in travel vouchers from United. Originally I was planning to go to Hawaii in June, but Daily Radar folded so I decided to be pragmatic and compete for freelance gigs. Still, Hawaii sounds lovely. Then again Korea is awfully tempting--something about being surrounded by evilly sexy women. During E3 I got addicted to Fisherman�s Friend cough drops/breath mints. They�re incredibly strong and a little funky tasting. I�m pretty sure they�re killing my taste buds as well. This coming Tuesday I�ve an interview at GameSpot. I�m hoping, hoping, hoping it works out. It would make many things in my life right. That�s actually a little sad that a job would so dramatically change my outlook on life, but it�s the truth. My friend Alex also put a word in for me with the guy starting up Ziff�s online gaming stuff. It would be kind of cool to return to Ziff, where my career in publishing started five years ago.

�Three Es� or �Stranger in a strange land� I just got back from the lovely Electronics Entertainment Expo. It was definitely a lot of fun, with a little weirdness thrown in for good measure. Overall it was a blast, but several times during the event I felt totally out of place. Since I�ve been trying to look at life in a binary manner, here�s a basic rundown of my E3 experience in only two categories. Bad: I felt funny having PR people buy me dinner and drinks. Since I don�t have a job right now, their wining and dining dollars aren�t really justified on me. Good: It was good seeing PR people just to let them know that I intend to stick around the biz for a long time. Bad: Julie--my #2 crush in the universe--saw me full-on drunk again. I was such a mess at Sony�s party. Hopefully I didn�t say anything too ridiculous. Then again my intentions aren't romantic so I guess it doesn't matter too much. Good: The next day I saw Julie while I was sober. She�s going to be in SF this week so hopefully we can spend some time together. Bad: Out of the few people I wanted to avoid, I was around one far more than I cared to be. I guess it was inevitable though. Good: I spent time with many people that I dig, others I really care about, and a few that I love. Since John Foster whined about not being mentioned in my last LA trip, I�ll say how wonderful it was to see him. Lamer. Good: Zoe is still the ultimate woman. Good: I think I found a replacement for Heather Hawkins as my #3 crush in the universe. She�s a PR chick with a lot of attitude. Most people think she�s cute, but few look at her cooler qualities that you kinda have to dig for. Good: I got to spend time with a lot of my old coworkers. I miss those guys a ton. Good: On the last day of the show I met a really interesting girl. I�m hoping to get to know her better. She�s totally cute and goofy. I just dig her vibe. No matter what, I just want to get to know a woman without mentioning S*&$(@. Good: I was supposed to take a 1:00PM flight back to SF but I volunteered to be bumped. The 1:00 was delayed to 1:35, I took a 2:00 instead, and was given $200 in travel vouchers. Bad: The last two times I was in LA I had a really good time. It�s hard to loathe a place when you keep enjoying yourself there.

�Friends� or �Nerves of steel� Two of my best friends in college were in town the last three days. It was so much fun--on so many levels--to spend time with them. Of course hanging out and catching up were cool, but the best part of it was spending time with people that will always know me. No matter how far we drift apart or how much we might change, these guys will always know who I am deep down. It�s so incredibly comforting having friends that love me and will be there for me without question. The stupid things I do and the windmills I chase will never change their feelings for me, nor mine towards them. I�ll never make friends like them again and I�d be shocked if I don�t know them for the rest of my life. More than anything else, my close friends from college are the reason I miss New York...except for maybe pizza and the Yankees�just kidding. While Steve and Esmond were here I hung out far more and later than I usually do. Thursday I didn�t turn in until 4:30AM and Friday I crashed at 5:45AM. We spent an unusual (for me anyway) amount of time at bars and strip clubs. The whole thing was a reminder of how frightened I am of most women. At the bars I didn�t have the nerve to approach any woman I thought looked cute or interesting. I don�t have the nerve and I find the concept of having to compete with other people in order to meet someone rather ridiculous. The strip clubs were worse. I�ve come to realize that I have a fear of intimacy--both physically and emotionally. I find women with their clothes on vexing enough; I found the strippers absolutely terrifying. Much like college, I didn�t hang out with any white people the last few days. For some reason I�ve yet to discern, I�m just far more comfortable around other Asians. I didn�t realize how much until now. When I�m around white people, I�m a little reserved and there�s a part of me I never reveal. Perhaps it�s because they can�t know what it�s like to grow up as an Asian American and can�t understand some of my experiences. It might be more than that though; the guys I�ve been hanging with the last few days are all Asian people from NY. With these guys I just feel infinitely more comfortable being myself. I'm sure there�s some sort of affinity there. Then again, my Asian friends out here are on the white-ish side so maybe that�s why I don�t fully identify with them. I�ll have to give this more thought.

�Hoping� or �Give me something to believe in� Late last Friday, something happened that subtly, yet profoundly changed my current outlook on life. Out of nowhere I decided to email an editor at a gaming site about a job that might be open. I received a reply from him saying that he wanted to talk to me about the job. It was nothing big or definite, but the change it made in me was. Although I was aware of the change, I wasn�t sure exactly what it was until a few minutes ago when I was skimming through The Silent Blade. There�s a passage where Catti-Brie says, �There is always hope, there must always be hope. Because without hope there is no strength.� For the last few weeks, I was really dejected because the prospects of doing what I love for a living were really slim. With the market the way it is, I was ready to take a hiatus from the business I love and do something more pragmatic. But now there�s hope that I might be able to stay in the biz. That hope has started to give me strength: the strength to be more positive, the strength to believe in my dreams and the strength to believe in myself. For sure that job is far from a definite thing and certainly I have a long way to go to get out of my funk, but now I have hope.

�Dollar yo� or �Social phobias� Well, I�m getting out of the house more these days. Yesterday I walked around--mostly aimlessly--five miles. Wednesday I resumed my U.S. Open training by vanquishing Tony in tennis once again. If he ever gets his game together mentally he�s sure to beat me. For now, I�ll savor one of the few joys of my otherwise moribund existence. Wednesday night it was $1 ticket/$1 hot dog night at the A�s game. Cheap fun rules. Hot dogs are my roommate�s favorite food in the world, so this might become a tradition. The Yankees are in town soon and hopefully I�ll be able to catch some of the games. I miss those guys. I guess I miss NY in general. I�m also starting to get more freelance gigs, but the pay is so low that I might be better of collecting unemployment. We�ll see how it goes. My mood has gone through another metamorphosis. In week one I was morose. During week two I was manic-depressive. Now I�ve become pseudo antisocial. It�s very weird. I don�t mind being around groups of people; it�s the one-on-one situations that make me uneasy. For some reason I�m very uncomfortable �being me� right now. I�m sure my friends are more accepting than I give them credit for, but I really don�t like and am a bit embarrassed at the moods I�ve been in. Right now there�s only one person that I feel totally comfortable �being me� with, but I don�t want to impose my nonsense on her. This whole mood thing is actually pretty interesting. I wonder what stupid mood I�ll be in next week?