�Don�t call it a comeback� or ��� I just got back from another Fairways show where I got to see Jen, the sexiest bassist in the universe (*sigh* her smile is ridiculously alluring). Anyway, since I�ve been a dick the last three weeks I figured my new, more aggressive, and more confident self (Mean Raymond) would be able to talk to her. But out of nowhere, Normal Raymond comes back. Unable to speak in complete sentences�frozen in terror at the sight of a lovely woman�look, cowering in the corner! It�s a spaz! It�s a geek! It�s Normal Raymond! So even though there were numerous opportunities to speak to her, I didn�t say anything until the last possible moment. I�m talking chances in double digits that I could have said hello or something more creative. At the end of the night Tony made us buy her record (neither of us have record players) and I managed to say three or four words. I loathe myself. There�s absolutely no reason I shouldn�t be able to talk to this woman. I�m really nice and very cool (as far as video-game journalists go), but I doubt myself for a split second and it all goes to shit. All of the sudden there�s no one I think less of. This is pathetic. I can�t wait until my roommate wakes up so I can take this out on him. I hate him. I hate this. I probably hate you too.

�What Raymond wants� or �Love/hate� For some reason I�m really in love with Christina Aguilera right now. It�s really weird. I know her music is manufactured bubble-gum pop, but her voice is still hot. Initially I liked her because everyone else liked Britney, but now I like her because of her style. She tries a lot of outrageous and ridiculous looks, and I think that�s really cool. She appears as if she doesn�t care how strange she looks. I like people who are different. Hmmmm, a Christina poster would look nice right above my PC. That way she can watch over me as I work. My meanness doesn�t seem to be going away. There was one day I was really mean to someone I really care about. I feel guilty about it now because I truly love this person, but was genuinely irritated at her for no good reason. I was talking to Rannie (click on her name) about it yesterday and she says I can get so mad only because of the love. Initially I thought it was very Korean of her to say that (I think Korean girls are prone to evil and insanity) and I really don�t want to believe it�s true. It does make a certain amount of sense though. The last issue of The Hulk reminded me of the whole situation. There�s a panel where Banner says, �Without our hate, we�d have no potential to love.� It�s hard for me to accept this. I�m probably being na�ve. It�s true that the people we can hurt the most are the ones we love the most. It just bothers me that it has to be that way.

"Late night haikus" I can't fall asleep, so I decided to write more goofy haikus: Jen the bass player, With the hottest bowl haircut, You make me giggle. Sweet-smiling Julie, I�d quit smoking just for you, You give me fuzzies.

�Snoochie Boochies� or �I feel like the aggressor� My negative feelings continue to be productive. I�ve now focused my channeled aggression on PR flaks and getting into press events I wasn�t invited to. Because of my generally passive personality, I never made a big deal if I wasn�t invited to a press junket. Since I�m no longer an editor-in-chief, I get invited to even less events these days. Well screw that. I need see and play the games so I can pitch stories. I need to be seen by flaks so they don�t forget who I am. My editors have been pretty cool about letting me cover events for them, so hopefully the summer junkets will keep me busy. It turns out Jen has a boyfriend. At first I was really bummed out, but after further introspection I�m beginning to think it never really mattered. Sure she�s sexy and plays bass, but I think it was more me needing someone to fawn over than me genuinely being interested. Either way I�ll see her play this Saturday. I�m just so irritated at the opposite sex right now. I hate how girls are attracted to �bad boys.� I hate that even if I put all my efforts into being a bad boy it would never work�it�s just not me. I sure hate a lot of things right now. Eliminating nicotine and halving your caloric intake makes you grumpy. So bite me. There was a Kevin Smith interview on the Sundance channel yesterday. He mentioned that while Mallrats was panned by critics, it�s often his fans� favorite movie. This is so true. I think it�s clearly his worst movie, but at the same time it�s the one I enjoyed the most. End of tangent. On Sunday I was short with Rannie while I was on the phone with her. I�m positive she didn�t notice, but I still feel guilty about it. So I�m sorry, both for my curtness and for posting this picture.

�At the movies� or �It�s a small world after all� Crazy coincidence--it turns out that my latest crush, Jen, went to school with Raina. So now she�s much more than a sexy bass player to me. Apparently she was one of those overachievers and a good tennis player to boot. Cool. She�s brainy, hot, athletic, and a bass player. Of course, this means I�ll probably be too frightened to ever say a word to her, but then again�. This week has been pretty good. My nic fits are (more) under control and I�m in a very peaceful mood (most of the time). For the most part I�ve been unusually focused. I�ve been motivated to write and take more assignments. I�ve channeled the bitterness that stems from my failed relationship (if you can call it that) into a controlled aggression. It�s a little twisted, but I enjoy when I get cravings for a cigarette or a snack, because I like fighting off the urge. At least I�m doing something positive with all these negative feelings I have. Jeffrey is in town this week. It was cool to see him, as always, but he served as an enabler to my feistiness. His encouragement led to several jokes at Rob�s expense. Aside from that I was pretty well behaved. I saw three movies this week and was surprised at which one I enjoyed the most. Here are the recaps: Crazy/Beautiful � It was pretty predictable, with some weird cinematography. Kirsten Dunst was great as a mentally unstable spoiled rich girl. I�ll see any movie that has Kirsten parading around in her panties. She�s almost as hot as Jen. Final Fantasy � Obviously this movie looked incredible, although there were a few gratuitous scenes that seemed to serve no purpose other than to let the animators show off for a bit. Sakaguchi�s plot was actually interesting, but the scriptwriters should be shot. The dialogue and pacing were dreadful. This movie has the worst love scene I�ve seen since Highlander. Thankfully, I didn�t pay for this movie. I snuck in after seeing� Legally Blonde � This was actually the best movie I saw this week. It�s a guilty pleasure akin to Clueless. Reese Witherspoon is pretty versatile. She can pull off both na�ve/ditzy and bitchy/manipulative quite well. Her chin is weird though�reminds me of Ronald McDonald. Chin tangent aside, this movie was lots of fun. Go see it!

�Chick bass players� or �Bridget Jones�s Diary� Week one: -4lbs. 0 cigarettes. I sound like freakin� Bridget Jones. I just got back from Bottom of the Hill where I saw this cute band called The Fairways. I�m totally in love with their bass player, Jen. I have a thing for female bass players. That combined with Jen�s cute smile and goofy mannerisms has me totally smitten. I�m totally going to be a groupie and see her at her next show. Maybe I�ll give her a flower after their set so she thinks I�m a total freak.

�Nic fits� or �Crackers� So I�ve sorta kinda managed to come to terms with everything that happened last week. Maybe that wasn�t the best choice of words. I�ve come to accept it, but I�m not exactly happy with the way everything turned out. Doing the right thing sure can suck. I�m dealing with it better than I thought I would though. I�ve accepted that things are over. I�m just being really sardonic towards everyone as a response. I figured that as long as I�m miserable I might as well compound things but trying to quit smoking. It�s doing wonders for my mood. I feel bad because I�m snapping a lot and continuing jokes when I should let things go. Not that I don�t usually beat jokes to the ground, it�s just that there�s a slightly malicious undercurrent in my tone these days. Brandy was having problems pouring ketchup at a diner, so I razzed her about being an engineer and not being able to decipher the physics of a ketchup bottle. A few hours ago Kate was telling me that she was sensitive to when minorities used racist terms on her; I proceeded to use the words �cracker� and �honky� more than George Jefferson. In both cases the initial joke was funny, but I went with it more than I should have. I felt really guilty afterwards, not so much for the actual jokes but because I liked having a target to attack. So here I am�miserable�contemptuous�and without cigarettes. I�m having such a hard time focusing for more than 15 minutes at a time, except for when I�m practicing video poker or counting cards. I need to get back to Vegas pronto.

The last week has been way too confusing, with too many highs and lows emotionally and financially. I just feel really spent and drained and I don't want to talk about it anymore.

�Do the right thing� or �Facing the music� Lately, I�ve been bothered by the incongruity between �what feels right� and �what is right.� Sometimes it just really sucks to be in a situation where those things are exclusive. I�m in one of those now, and for the past few months I�ve been doing the former, but I�ve made the decision to try to do the latter. Naturally, this is going to lead to a confrontation. Usually I put things like this off. I don�t like upsetting people, and this situation will leave me hurt either way--be it prolonged heartache or a sad ending that I can get past. I�ve pretty much accepted the fact that I will do the right thing and take whatever heartbreak comes with it. Hopefully the freelance stuff will keep rolling so I can find comfort in another Vegas trip. So here I am�typing�stalling�avoiding sleep. I�ve questioned this decision thoroughly and I believe I�m doing it for the right reasons. The impending showdown is giving me major butterflies though. Geez, what a morose blog this was. Hopefully I�ll get back to writing �about the triumphs of a goofball would-be pirate� soon. Just pulling a quote from an Amazon review that my editor really enjoyed. Click here to check it out. I�m sure my typical goofball musings will be back soon. I can�t have three serious blogs in a row.