Simplicity One of my favorite simple pleasures is putting on a brand new pair of socks. They're just so soft and cozy and comfy. It's way better than caviar.

Return from New York I left cold, snowy New York and returned to giga-rainy San Francisco. I think Cabo is calling. Anyway, Christmas was really fun. I got to catch up with my family and relax, and I got to eat NY pizza everyday. Seeing mom, dad, Reggie, and my cousins was great. I didn't get hassled too much about not being married and even told my mom about Giselle (which went over far better than I thought it would). I really miss everyone, but I really wanted to get the hell out of the cold. I'll probably go back once more during the winter, but hopefully I'll get to visit again in the spring. That E3 thing and all the events leading up to it kinda gets in the way. I didn't touch work once during my visit -- something the family always complains about -- and I really got to unwind. I haven't had a long vacation since I've been at this job. I forgot how energizing and refreshing it is to totally get away from it for a week. I suppose that explains some of my angst. Now I must decide between Mexico (foolish, complicated trip) and Vietnam (solitary, beach-combing trip). I just processed three batches of picture. There are some from San Francisco (drunken holiday party idiocy), some from Los Angeles (Spike TV Video Game Awards), and some from Christmas. Check 'em out on my picture page.

Sad, Sad Dinner Ha! My Christmas Eve dinner looked rather pathetic. I was sitting on a bench outside of SFO eating from a Tupperware bowl. Nobody could tell how scrumptious the roast pork and greens (courtesy of Miguel) was; I just looked like the sad guy outside eating his dinner out of Tupperware. Oh yeah, I forgot to bring a drink with me so I got a rad case of the hiccups that lasted past the security line. Oh well, there are worse problems to have. Kit, I owe you a Tupperware bowl, btw. Bleh, my flight boards in six minutes. Hopefully fear won't prevent me from sleeping.

Critisism Eve This week was mostly peaceful. Work was easy and I got to box a bit (which is a peaceful thing, really). Wednesday night I had some random sadness. It was like my October mood when I would randomly want to cry. The thought of drinking entered my mind, but I quickly dismissed it. Perhaps it's because I haven't seen her in a few weeks. I still need to take her to Phil's and show her the coffee that I named after her -- you know, just to reinforce to her that I'm psycho. I miss her. In 22 hours I fly to New York for Christmas. It's a quick trip -- 12/25 to 12/28 -- but I'm really nervous about it. My family is going to pick me up from the airport and we're heading to my uncle's house. There I will answer such wonderful questions like "Why aren't you getting married?" and "When are you going to get a real job?" Hopefully there aren't too many gatherings planned. I just want to hang out with my brother, catch a few flicks, and eat lots of pizza. It's a bit ridiculous huh? I'm past 30 and I'm still terrified by what my parents think of me. Having lunch with my dad in November was pretty ... discouraging I guess. Four days with the family will be nice, but it could also help me start of 2005 with more issues than I already have. Oh, my last column is the most obnoxious thing I've ever written for work. I think it's part of my heel turn. We don't really have a "bad guy" at the site so it might as well be me. Fargo can be the face and I'll be the heel. Maybe Justin can come in for a run-in and give him a good chair shot to the head. Playing the heel is kind of fun. Some of the readers are into it and others really hate me. The latter might be cooler because they read my stuff and are inspired to send hate mail. Here's a snippet from a recent one: "Raymond Padilla, you're a moron. You're new year resolution should be to play games that don't suck, have opinions that don't suck, stop wearing sunglasses indoors, and to quit acting like a woman trapped inside a fat woman's body. If you could work on any or all of these this coming year, gamespy would be a much improved website. Good luck." The kids are great for improving my self image!

TJ Tijuana is pretty interesting when you're sober. Steve and I crossed the border and I proceeded to drink many bottles of water while he knocked back some beers. I actually didn't do anything too naughty; I had guilt because I saw this girl that looked a lot like someone I know and it made me feel like I was cheating. This is a bit silly since there's no way that anything I could have done would have been cheating. Oh well. The heart feels what it feels. Even though I was sober and I wasn't naughty, it was still a good time. I haven't seen Steve since October so it was good to catch up. Plus I finally picked up The Rise and Fall of ECW. It stirred up memories of going to crappy events at Lost Battallion Hall in Queens. Ah, I remember when The Sandman spilled beer on me and Chris Jericho threw Cactus Jack at my feet. Good times.

Dance into the Fire I caught up with Rick for a bit. We ended up bumping into friends at a CNet gathering and a Ziff gathering. That's two gatherings ... two bars ... and two Diet Cokes. There's currently a party going on in my apartment. Rick and I decided to play Xbox in my room (mobile tech journos really suck at games, btw). I'm just really beat, on the verge of a cold, and preparing to travel, so I'm not mixing tonight. Tomorrow I shall continue to tempt fate. I miss Steve so I decided to fly down and see him. For some reason I also thought it would be a good idea to go to Tijuana. I think this is a case of my ridiculous stubborness coming in handy. I want to throw myself into situation where I'd normally get sloshed, just to prove that I don't have to do it. See, my idiocy does have an upside.

Minicoaster Los Angeles was pretty interesting. There was a lot of ... well, everything. There was lots of fun, lots of partying, one night with lots of drinking, some indiscretion, lots of karaoke, some disappointment, lots of concern, some struggling, a little vegging, a bit of walking, some hip pain, and a lot of love. It was draining, but it ended on a pretty positive note. I'm going to be trying something new; it's going to be challenging, but it should make several things better for me. After Kit picked me up from the airport, I rushed off to a Midway event. This wasn't the smartest thing to do, but there was a chance to see someone I really wanted to see. It didn't happen (big surprise), but I had a pretty good time. I had five drinks: one Diet Coke and four bottles of water. My beverage selection got a lot of stares, but it had to be done. Yes, I'm going on the sober kick. So far I've gotten through one karaoke session, an hour at a bar, and an industry event without a drink. Sobriety hasn't been easy. I get pretty yawny early on. I find myself wondering how to have fun. I've learned that I have no patience for banal conversation when I'm sober. Still, these things are a fair enough tradeoff for getting into stupid situations. I just need to rediscover the joy of sober fun. Drinking has just been getting me into lots of trouble. I do dumb things, hurt myself, and hurt people I care about when sauced. Imagine if I was sober during the EverQuest 2 event? My last month would have been exponentially easier. There have been too many times in the last month where a night of drinking has lead to weeks of problems. I'm going to try to eliminate that. I'm not giving it all up. I'll have a nice glass of wine or something, but I'm not going to drink 10 vodkas or 15 kamikaze shots anymore. Maybe I can get to the point where I can control myself and get hammered on special occassions, but for now I really have to slam on the brakes. Young Clifford told me that he's discovering that drinking doesn't have to be 0 or 1. Hopefully I can get to the point where it isn't a binary thing for me either, but for now it's stone cold sober. I'll need help with this. Sober Friends powers, activate!

Hurmm Something has clicked ... or something has snapped. I'm not sure yet -- it's too soon to tell. Right now I'm thinking it's the former. Somewhere in my mostly antisocial (and alcohol free!) weekend of Farley's / movie with Glenda, shopping / Farley's with Kit, boxing with Petey, starting a new KOTOR2 game, lots of introspection, catching up on sleep, and reading The Watchmen for the eight-jillionth time, something happened. Shields are up, walls have been built, and part of me is totally closed off. I suppose this is what happens when you think a lot and your H.E.B. friend sends you a new copy of a brilliant, thought provoking graphic novel (my old one is somewhere in New York). It's like being as crazy as Kovacs and as calculated as Veidt at the same time. I feel much more in control, but fully admit I'm still wacky. It takes a lot of concentration to maintain so I'm not sure how long I can keep it up, but it'll be interesting to see. My maelstrom of madness / idiocy is now contained in a nice little jar I've constructed in my mind. To speak in character for a bit I feel, "Not Raymond. Not Raymond at all." Maybe this will be a good thing.

Three Weeks Noticed Wow. Tonight I realized how crazy the last three weeks were. My emotions have been all over the place and so much has been going through my head. People have been concerned with my behaviour -- more people than I thought. To quote Jeff Goldblum from The Fly, "I'm getting better." I'm not yet well, but I'm not spinning out of control anymore and I'm back on a safer path. I haven't really thought about what's been happening because it's been too much. I was okay just dealing with the heartbreak and work problems, but adding substance issues, babysitting, and a major career choice was more than I could juggle. I had a pretty lengthy chat with Justin about it all and reading my exploits in an AIM window made me realize how ridiculous things have been. Then I had a nice father-daughter catch-up evening with Glenda and gained additional perspective. I have a bit more clarity now. Let's try to sum it up ... actually I'll sum it up on my own since you can't actually type with me. The Sad Girl -- It's funny what one drunken night will lead to.... Done laughing yet? It was an indiscretion made because I needed to feel cared for and wanted. Yeah, I know she's really, really bad for me. I do care about her though and I know she cares about me too. She just has some severe issues to work on. I want to help her and take care of her, but she needs to want to do that for herself. She clearly does not. I've given her a lot of my time, my energy, and my money over the last month. I need to stop. She's a good girl, but she drains the life out of me. She's made me revert to "saviour" mode. I'm not a saviour. I'm a guardian. Since KOTOR2 has me in Star Wars geek mode I'll bust out a Qui-Gon Jin quote. "I can only protect you. I cannot fight a war for you." The whole babysitting thing reminded me of this stupid dream I had about Michelle LaRue. She was our old CEO's assistant and my sometime workout / tanning buddy. I had a dream that we were on the ellipticals. I looked her in the eyes and said, "So ... you take care of Mark. Who takes care of Michelle?" When Sad Girl was staying with me, I kept thinking, "Who takes care of Raymond?" LA -- Yeah. Being heartbroken, not having your grand plans work out, and getting a surprise visit from The Sad Girl made for a surprisingly good time, but one filled with bad choices. It was stupid. I know. Nemesis -- My enemy's visit did so much for me. Sure there was lots of drinking, but there was lots of laughing, lots of singing, lots of thinking, lots of talking, and a little bit of crying. I don't remember the last time I laughed so much. Having her listen to all my nonsense -- sometimes out of nowhere -- was liberating. We suffer from the same mania so she understands so many of my crazy thoughts. She really helped me get on track. In a way it's creepy how much she helped. My heart and mind feel lighter. My skin -- which was getting really crappy -- cleared up a bit. Hrm. I'm suddenly reminded of Jim Valvano's ESPY speech. Here's a snippet. "To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special." Thank you for helping me laugh, think, and cry Kitten. I think I might have to abandon you though. Daughter Dearest -- After all the partying and my three-week emotional-rollercoaster, I needed a mellow evening. I didn't want to be alone though (big fear!). Thankfully my daughter wanted a mellow evening as well. We went to Farley's, which is still my San Francisco happy place, and I made up all kinds of new nicknames for her. Being at my favorite place in the city , sipping coffee, and reflecting on life with my darling daughter was a brilliant change of pace. Then we had a nice father-daughter movie night. Glenda is pretty much the only girl I can think of that would be content watching 61* on a Friday night. I'm physically and emotionally drained, and it was incredibly comforting to have her company. Hmph. I suppose that means I shouldn't type all those clever jokes I made about you. They're so funny though! Tee-hee. I'll keep them under my hat because I love you.

Thank You Man, I was in super-idiot mode last night. Thank you, thank you, thank you to Phu, Ryan, and Randy for taking care of me. I'm sure there are other people I need to thank and even more I need to apologize to. Good times though!

Catch Up! Wow, life has been busy and strange. I'll give y'all the abridged version sliced up into nice, digestible chunks. LA Story -- I made a rash decision and ran off to LA. I didn't get to do what I wanted to at all, but I still had a good time. I spent a lot hours pampering myself in the spa. I hung out with Justin and Ted for a bit. I met this really cute Israeli girl and I made her feel good about herself. Sandra ended up hanging with me for a bit. On the downside, I made a really poor decision and have to be very, very mindful about temptation. Strange Visitor -- I had a roomie for a week. I enjoyed her company, but it was also very draining. I care about her, but she doesn't care too much about herself. How do you take care of someone like that? I tried my best to comfort her and provide for her. I think I helped a bit, but she's still hurting and it pains me to see her that way. La Decision -- I have to make a pretty major decision in the near future. It was suddenly thrown at me and it'll impact my life greatly. Professionally and personally, my life will change immensely in a few months. I need to plan. I'm not sure what to do. Saved! -- My nemesis came for a visit. It's amazing how much better I feel because of her. Hmmm, I'm a little bit drunk right now, but I'll write this stuff anyway. Oops, she just came back. Hmph. Well ... I'm honored that someone so incredible believes in me the way she does. She's seen me at my worst and most pathetic, yet she still believes. Hmmmm, I shall play Christina Aguilera's "I Turn to You" for her. "For a shield, from the storm, For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm, I turn to you."

Heeeeeee!!! Last night I shared Soju with my two favorite women in the universe.