Practically Joking I have to write a long post about my Los Angeles adventure. I'll get to that soon. For now I'll provide an account of how Will, Miguel, Phil, Ryan, Ben, and I used Kit's sickness to mess with Rannie. We're all going to hell for it, but it's one of the hardest laughs I've had all year. Ryan and I were leaving work early to go to the grocery and pick stuff up for Kit. Will thought it would be funny to start an AIM chat with her starting with, "You know what's up with Christian? Ray just bolted out of here saying that he had to take care of him." He kept going for several minutes while Ben, Ryan, Miguel, Phil, and I were laughing in the background. It escalated into me storming of to SF General. The killer line was when he suddenly changed subjects. Will: So how's Iron Phoenix? Will: I hope it's doing better than Christian. Will: LOLLERS Rannie called me out of concern. I was laughing too hard to pick up so Miguel answered the call. He told her I bolted out of the office and left my cell phone there. He said I left to go check on Christian and wondered what was up. So technically, Will started all this. We're all going to hell, but there should be a special circle waiting just for him. We're bad. I know. It was evil. The laugh was totally worth it though, considering how things have been going lately.

Lunch Lashings I had lunch with my dad today. He's in LA on business, but took time out of his day to tell me that: 1) I look terrible. 2) I'm making poor career decisions. 3) I need to find a Filipino girl to marry. Honestly, he really does mean well ... but I'm suddenly reminded why I haven't visisted home since March. Christmas will be lots of fun!!!

Eh I'm having my "I'm going to die alone and unloved" paranoia ... and I don't know why ....

Coffee God Phil's new blend is outstanding. It's a mix of two of his regular roasts (Phil's Tesora and Jacob's Wunderbar) plus a new Yemeni roast. He's been working on getting the perfect combination for the last eight months and it's finally ready. Best of all, he's going to let me name it! I already have the name picked out. Matt's going to come up with a sign. It's going to be perfect.

Ha! This video confirms it. I'm definitely an idiot. Hopefully the kids will be amused. So go watch it and tell the kids how much I rule in the forums.

LA Gunnin' And all of the sudden, my month got a lot busier.... I went to LA for 18 hours over the weekend. It was a last-minute thing -- part work, part self promotion, almost entirely selfish. It turns out I have two more LA trips (one wreckless, one decadent) over the next three weeks. My nemesis is dropping by too, which should help my healing process. The trip was a bit of a surprise. A company was rather amused with my idiot act for the Halo 2 launch and wanted me down for its product launch. I was quite flattered and a little nervous. One of the reasons the aforementioned piece turned out well was because I was in a really sad way -- I didn't care so I let go in front of the camera. I'm feeling a bit better now so part of me is wondering if the shtick worked, but I think Ryan has some good stuff. We shall see. We almost didn't get a chance to shoot. The event was on the one cold and rainy day in LA. It cleared up around 11:40PM and we were able to cram 35 minutes of footage. The final piece should be around 13 minutes. Ech. The right knee is sore again. That's what I get for resuming boxing with little preparation. Hopefully I can just keep popping Alieve so I can go to the gym again tomorrow. Right now it feels like Ric Flair has had me in the figure-four leg-lock for the last 24 hours. Whoooooo!!!

Joyful Clarity I had such a wonderful time last night (as in just a little while ago) ... but first, a few apologies are in order. Jennie -- Sorry about that whole "waiting" thing. It was really bad and I still feel not-so-cool about it. Shane -- Uhm. Sorry about our failed attempt at dinner. I really, truly, deeply appreciate you being so cool about it. I owe you dinner for sure. Thank you. So ... I'm doing a little bit better with things. I was able to hang out with her, have a great time, and still talk about my feelings -- all without feeling stupid about it! A really ultimate person helped clear things up in my head (a tall order, to be sure). The reason I've been so reluctant to get into details about this and the reason I've been not wanting to talk to most people about it is that I know what most people are going to say. They're going to be all, "You need to get over her," and / or, "You need to move on." Only one person has been able to empathize with my feelings for her; everyone else will just think I'm silly for seeing things the way I do or think that I'm just caught up in the now ... ... but I'm pretty comfortable with things. It's not about getting over her and it's not about moving on. I've only felt this much for someone once in my life so this is not something I'll ever "get over." Like Ms. Ultimate told me, I have to accept that she'll have a chunk of my heart for the rest of my life and I have to learn how to be okay with that. (I'm leaving out a lot of details, as well as the eloquence she had saying as much.) What I feel for her is one of the most amazing and incredible feelings I've ever had. I struggle to express how deeply she's touched my heart. It scares me to even think about it, but I'm grateful that she even brought these feelings out. I adore, cherish, and *blush* (can't even say it) this girl for the experiences the made her who she is, the incredible woman she's become, and the amazing person I know she will be. The way that I feel when I'm with her is just ... ethereal (*snicker*). I'm still going to have my ups and downs for quite some time, but at least I have a better understanding of how I feel and what I have to do about it. So to the people that are worrying and think I should make a b-line to the therapist's office -- don't worry. I'll be fine. Just make sure I keep boxing.

I'm Just a Girl I feel like that girl in high school. You know, the one that: - does wreckless things in a quest for affection. - lets things get out of hand just to feel wanted. - gets run out on at 3:00 AM. - spends the next day wondering if it meant anything to the other person. - waits for a phone call that isn't likely to come. And just to be clear, I'm not saying I'm totally innocent, even though what happened was not my original intention at all -- I swear, I just wanted to cuddle. We were drunk. I'm in a really vulnerable place right now. She is as well. Stuff happened. I got caught up in the moment. I went with it. Still ... I just feel a bit ... played. Perhaps ultra-witty girl is right. I do give my heart away too freely and easily.

1319A 18 I had a lovely evening with my daughter. We're both pretty insane right now -- okay, she's only a little insane, I'm full on -- and it was really great to have someone to share all my ridiculous thoughts with. I mean, I've known her for like 12 years so she's well aware of how *crazy* I can be. And she can understand that I haven't been this crazy in years. Plus she got me some wicked scores on Karaoke Revolution Volume 3. It was a very comfy / cozy/ crazy father-daughter evening.

'Twas the Night Before Halo Well that was certainly amusing. More than 220 kids lined up last night just to get Halo 2 at midnight. I got to chat with a bunch of journos, including my friend Rick from CNet. He's the one that got me started at Computer Shopper way back when and I haven't seen him in like a year. It was lovely catching up with him, though it made me feel old. Anyway, here's the video from last night. (This is the part where you download / stream it.) I totally flubbed the intro. My eyes were wandering the same way Raina's do when she's on camera. I'll chalk that up to depression. After that it gets pretty fun. I really enjoy hanging out with my "peeps." *Kisses fingers and points to the fans like Christian does* The kids love me.

Relapsation I thought I was starting to do better with everything, but it all came back to me really hard. Sunday was pretty pathetic. Aside from a lunch excursion with Kit, I stayed in my room for most of the day, wanting to do nothing but cry and level up my Pokemon. Wow, that last sentence was so loser-ish. One of my friends has been telling me that "the grass is greener." That's probably true. It's especially true when you don't even have a lawn. I have a small plot of infertile dirt in an extremely undesirable neighborhood. On Saturday, one of my drunk friends kept proclaiming that "life is love" and that the whole thing is pointless unless you have someone to share it with. I kept asking him if he was done sharing his feelings with everyone on Geary, but truthfully I couldn't agree more. I miss Mae. We're going through similarly difficult periods right now. It would be easier if I could commiserate with my favorite cousin. Let's see, in the last month my heart was stolen, my baseball team was humiliated, and America voted in a most disturbing manner. It's strange. I was miserable from most of January to March. I was ebullient for the greater part of April to September. And now my year is ending in craptastic way. On second thought, I'm not sure what's strange about that. It's just an observation. I'm considering not hanging out for a bit. Perhaps starting Thanksgiving break. I hate having to answer questions like, "How are you?" because I don't have an answer that anyone really wants to hear. I think I'm going to pull a Shawn Michaels. Hmmm, unless it starts raining I'm going to have to smile for the camera in a few hours. I better go prepare my fake smile.

Strange Daze Yesterday was really weird. I wrote an article, took care of many little fires, filmed twice, went to a dinner event, got really drunk, and bumped into her. It was just such a mish-mash of emotions hitting my heart and mind. I haven't even sorted it all out yet. Here are some odds and ends. - Ryan and I filmed at this Halo 2 event at the Meteor-on. This one kid came up to me to say how much he enjoys my video stuff and that he reads all my articles. I now have four fans. This other kid from a fan site came up to me to apologize for this skirmish I had with his managing editor. His ME wrote this piece about a few of my video features and how I set back gaming journalism ten years (or something like that). I went and threw a star tantrum in their forums and he backed down. This is a bad lesson for me to learn; I'll be throwing star tantrums all the time now. - I ended up getting dragged to this PR dinner, which was cool because a lot of awesome people were there. She ended up going to, which wasn't totally unsurprising but threw me for a loop. It was incredible to see her and my real smile even managed to make an appearance. (Kitten pointed out that I used my fake smile in the Raytoberfest photos ... which is probably why I haven't posted mine.) - After dinner, most of the kids went to Bow Bow. I can't stand that place so I took a splinter cell to Buddha. I played a lot of dice, got really drunk, got really happy, got really sad, and got many other things in between. It was really fun, a little uncomfortable, and a little ... I dunno ... melancholy I suppose. - Andy, Ted, and I went to Sam's. I think Gladstone was there too, but I don't really remember. I got home really drunk, but managed to wake up early! Yeah, this post sucked. My thoughts are way too jumbled. Oh well.

Rollercoaster Tuesday Wow, much has happened today. I got into a bunch of verbal scraps. An email nearly stopped my heart. A voice comforted me. And my precognitive abilities tell me that I will be drunk shortly. This is what happens when you're depressed, suffering from withdrawal, and really don't like your job. Justin and Kate were the latest victims of my blog angst (or livejournal angst, as the case may be). I got into it with Shane and Ben already, and we exchanged some ideas. I was snarkier with Justin and Kate so it didn't go over as well. Justin was calmer (naturally) and we actually had an interesting conversation. Kate pretty much flipped out, which was somewhat warranted. Either way, I still think I'm right and my point is just, but I fully admit that my delivery was poor. So for the latter, I'm sorry. I also got into an AIM scrap with Rannie. She pretty much went from zero to psycho in under six seconds. I was actually fine with everything until she took it to another level and I sunk down to it. I said some stupid things after that point, but to check myself I went back a few hours later to see how it all started. This one was definitely not my fault. In the afternoon I received an email explaining why my "anticipated guest" didn't come to the party. Just hearing from her hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't describe how much I miss her because it has nothing to do with time or distance; there's just this delicate barrier between us that neither of us really wants, but both of us know is the right thing ... even though in some ways it's the wrong thing for her too. It's not easy for her and it sucks for me. *sigh* The incongruity of what is right and what feels right often bothers the f*ck out of me ... especially when doing the "right" thing is ultimately wrong for both of us (in my mind anyway). So after alternating between hyperventilating, weeping, and trying to mentally give myself a heart attack (don't ask), Kitten called to comfort me. I'm so grateful for her care. We suffer from the same dementia so she understands what I'm feeling better than I could ever explain (unless I had a few months ... or maybe years). I guess that's the big problem here. The whole thing is ridiculous and real at the same time. I don't want to have to explain to someone why and how so much happened in such a short time. Actually, I don't think I could do it if I wanted to -- it would just sound incredibly ludicrous. If you have to ask then I can't really explain it to you. It's something that has to be experienced or you won't be able to relate. Bleh, I need a drink.

Oops...I Did it Again You know, I should really stop signing those photo waivers. I'm not supposed to do this stuff for another few months. Having random things like this pop up will only irrirate my ... uhm ... counselor. -------------- Oh, just because I've started blogging again doesn't mean I'm ready to talk about things. "Don't ask, don't tell" still applies. Thank you for the concern though. -------------- I've been greatly amused at the last-minute urgings by bloggers to vote for Kerry. It seems incredibly naive to me. I can't imagine not having my mind made up the day before a major election -- especially this year where it's extremely black and white. Do these people really think they're going to get anyone to vote differently? Is someone really going to read Joey's blog and be all, "Oh, I better vote for Kerry then!" If this really happened and some person had the foresight to register but didn't gather enough information to make an informed decision but was swayed by reading a blog post the night before the election then this person deserves a bat to the head for being a moron ... or at least irresponsible. It just seems like a lame, half-assed way to try to get people to do something. It seems like a half-hearted and somewhat self-important way of being active. The most useful election-related material I've read was from Matt, who sent out an email last week describing several issues and props. It was more thoughtful than a naive "vote for this guy" blog post the night before the election. -------------- Oh, people need to go to Japan for Thanksgiving. It's only $466 (with taxes) on United if you buy this week. So go! Support Japanese tourism. Help Shane celebrate his birthday. And help me run away from things. Plus it's frickin' cool over there.