Grounded "Wrecklessly romantic," said Carlos. It's such an apt phrase for me. I almost ditched the party I instigated (at Carlos' place) to fly up to San Francisco to see her. My fondest wish for tonight was to kiss her at midnight, but indecision and fear beat out my heart's desire. That or I finally found pragmatism. Gah. I wish I followed my first instinct and flew up. Oh well, I'll try not to dwell on it and just get magnificently hammered tonight.

Reflection Yes, I stole the title of this entry from that Christina Aguilera song. Another year is ending and I can't help being contemplative. Let's break it down. Professionally: Despite any irritants (one actually) at work, I've definitely progressed my career. Not so much with my writing, which has been worse since I've stopped writing in different styles for a variety of audiences, but overall I think I'm in a better place than I was a year ago. Plus there's that March windfall that will have an interesting impact in my life. Physically: Eh. Most of the year was good, with lots of gym time, some boxing, tennis, and volleyball, but I've probably gained back 1/3 of the weight I lost. The end of the year sucked. Too much work and travelling = not working out nearly enough. Plus I really hit the bottle the last few months. Thankfully I've been working out more the last two weeks. And next week I'll be with Justin, which likely means two-a-day workouts. Personally: It took a long time, but Irvine finally became something of a home. I still only have one friend here outside of work, but I've really enjoyed hanging with my coworkers. On the down side, I don't have a female to serve as my psychiatrist. Tonight I really needed one of my shrinks, but Kate's apartment is being flooded with sewage, Raina's catching up with friends and family in LA, Rannie's in Korea, and Kitten's building a house. Like countless nights this year, thank God Steve's around or I would've gone insane a long time ago. Romantically: I guess the big thing was ending that impossible relationship I was in for far too long. I only had one date this year and it was just for practice. I did lots of my stupid little Raymond things that everyone finds extremely cute, save for the recipient of said affection (drink your chai Alison!). The end of the year has me a bit.... (writer can't find the proper word) I met a really incredible person and my heart truly believes that we can have something special, but my pessimistic brain tells me otherwise. It's likely that I'll follow my heart (why stop now?), but doing so has always left it (and me) a little more broken. Creatively: Okay, this part absolutely sucks. I think I wrote two songs this year. I've picked my (actually Tony's) guitar up three times. I think I need a new guitar; playing with someone else's guitar is like swimming in someone else's trunks. I wrote a lot of stupid haikus, mostly to entertain other people. I really haven't done or made anything tangible to express myself this year. Tomorrow should be fun. Carlos and Matt are having a party. Last time I was good and didn't end up in the ocean. It should be groovin'. I definitely owe Steve, Ryan, Carlos, Matt, and Thor some champagne for being the U.N. Security Council of my heart. There's a slight chance I might end up in San Francisco. I guess it depends how I feel later and if I receive any signs. I guess I should close things out with a quote form Xtina's song since I ripped off the title. "But somehow I will show the world What's inside my heart And be loved for who I am."

Friends There was an episode of Friends where Chandler and Joey make a pro/con list with Ross to aid his romantic decision making. I started one on a napkin last night...but the madness didn't stop there. The Raymond Show is all about taking it to the next level, so I transferred everything to a spreadsheet. Next I asked Steve, Ryan, Carlos, Matt, and Thor to weigh all the pros and cons on a five-point scale. Then I booked a conference room so we could have a meeting to discuss our findings. Finally, I tallied the scores and came up with averages, percentages, and variances. It was a bizarre exercise in geekdom, but it really helped me think things through and I truly appreciated the boys indulging and supporting me. Hmmm, I turned down that job in Cambridge today. It was hard because those guys are really cool and their company is definitely going to rock, but my March windfall is going to be larger than I expected and the TV stuff keeps picking up. Plus my family doesn't think the area is right for me and my mom thinks starting a new life will only delay my lady search (mom's starting to worry. ha!). The recruiter was irritated and really started to lay into me, which was really lame. I tried to show patience, but he kept yelling, using vulgarity, and tried to belittle my place at my current job--not cool. Anyway, that's all behind me now. Carlos and Matt are having a New Year's Eve party, which is a vast improvement over my UFC/KFC 2003 kick off. The Force has told me that I am to be hammered at this party. It's likely I'll be a little melancholy though. It'll be great to start a new year off with friends that are just quality people, but my thoughts will undoubtedly drift to the one person I want to be kissing at midnight.

A Happy Holiday Xmas was very strange, but fun. It's the first time I spent Xmas without my family. Christian, Ryan, Carlos, and Amber came over for some beer burgers, dinner dogs, mac & cheese (baked), and holiday junk food. We watched a vast assortment of crap television including Iron Eagle, The Tuxedo, Clash of the Titans, Flash Gordon, VH1's 200 most shocking moments in Rock N' Roll (none of which were particularly shocking), and VH1's 40 biggest feuds in entertainment. I was grateful for the company. The next day I got a last-minute visitor that spent the weekend. I had a really nice time chilling out with her, drinking with her, taking care of her, napping with her, and all that good stuff. I haven't known her very long, but I feel so comfortable with her and I don't feel the need to put on my "watch this idiot entertain you" act. Even though she spent 40-something hours with me, I'm pretty sure she wasn't irritated (much) by my company--bonus. She's pretty incredible, quite attractive, and so charming. She's pretty "wow." It's going to be weird sleeping alone again. I've gotten accustomed to having her next to me, waking up early to make her breakfast, and nudging her up to start the day. On the plus side, I'll have more time to box this week--my jab is getting pretty crappy. It's way lame, but I started to miss her before she even left. That's so Legolas.

Faith So this is interesting. She claims she wants to come over for the weekend. So using my eight-jillion frequent flyer miles, I got her a ticket to come later this evening. I don't believe that she'll come--there's too many reasons that could come up (and she might have been drunk when she called)--but I'm really wishing she does. Ninety percent of the reason I got her the ticket is because I really want to see her. The other ten percent is just to see if she actually comes. I have to believe that she will, but am prepared if she does not...actually, I'll probably be a little heartbroken if she doesn't. Perhaps James M was right--perhaps I do summon the drama.

Live From Anaheim Wow, live TV is really...interesting. I don't remember the last time I had my adrenaline pumping so much. It was really exciting and very difficult. The last few seconds before going live was a trip. My segment got cut from 90 seconds to 30 because the assh*le before me took too long. Right after my shoot, I was pretty sure I really sucked, but then I always think that. After I got home and watched myself on TiVo, I found that I was pretty average. It wasn't nearly as horrible as I originally thought, but it wasn't really good either. It was definitely a lot of fun and I'd love a chance to do it again...we'll see. My respect for everyone that's edited my television and web-video appearences has increased tenfold. Thank you for making me look much cooler on video than I am live.

Aaagghhhhhhh!!! I'm nervously excited! I really hope I don't flub any lines. Frickin' Brett Favre has already thrown for three touchdowns. Damn him for upstaging me.

Lazy Weekend To everyone that's planning to participate in my intervention: chill out, I didn't drink this weekend. It was a relatively boring, but much needed low-key weekend. I did a little shopping. I did a little cooking. I went to the gym. And with the exception of some naughty holiday cookies (damn you Capcom!), I ate healthy. The down time was good considering all the travelling and partying and emotional stuff. There was an undertone of sadness since I missed someone that (I'm pretty sure) isn't missing me, but whatever. The rest was good since I need to be extra charming for ABC on Monday night. Hopefully it'll be cool and go smoothly, but I'll probably do something stupid like fall in love with a cheerleader or something.

Make That Four Wow, the weirdness/coolness continues. Firstly, San Francisco was lots of fun. It was one of the rare times I came out of a situation getting answers that did not lead to more questions. I partied with my IGN brothers, spent time with a wonderful girl, had a productive business meeting, got a hicky (how childish!), and saw my girls at the coffeehouse. All the travel, all the thinking, and all the emotional stuff (and a little of the drinking, tee-hee) has left me really...floopy. It's funny, I found business reasons to go up there just so I could see a girl. Christian and Ben have surmised that I push my San Francisco travel because I miss my friends and my life up there, but I've never really forced a trip like this before. It was worth it to see her. Oh yeah, take the Raymond Test please. And the big news is that I'm going to be on a fourth television station! On Monday I'm supposed to go to the ESPN Zone to do a little clip for the Monday Night Football post-game show. Wow. That's ABC on prime time. I'm totally comfortable doing the cable stuff...but this has me a little nervous and way excited. Ha!

Quick Pics Here are some pics from my New York trip, including some of that accursed snow. And here are some from my last San Francisco trip, including some of this 12-year old I found with Jarik.

Crazy! Wow. The last two days have been nuts. I got a random phone call while I was in New York--an unexpected opportunity some friends wanted to pass along. This lead to Crazy Tuesday: New York, Boston, San Francisco, and Irvine all in one day. Then I decided to go to San Francisco today. There's lots of interesting things going on for me, personally and professionally. Hopefully I'll get to sort it out over the weekend.

Detox Okay, last night I got ridiculously drunk. And there's a ton I don't remember. What's come back to me so far is that I hit Kevin, spoke in the third person, spoke as The Rock, hugged our executives a lot, and took pictures. There are some interesting pictures of me, which is helpful because I don't recall having a cigar or meeting this beautiful girl but I have pictures of both. I also kissed a lot of people, which I think is me trying to compensate for some of the kisses I shouldn't have gave in the last week...or something like that. Anyway, check these pics out. There won't be drunken Raymond pics for a bit since I really have to cut this out.

Well... ...I didn't get that drunk this evening. Uhm. I don't know what else to say. Here are more pictures.

Oh Man I got drunk and did something really stupid. I expect an intervention any day now. Oh well, at least I have these nifty pictures.

On the Road Again You know, I'm not sure I've spent five days in a row at the office this fall. I'm pretty sure the last time was in the summer. Wacky. I'm going to San Francisco in ten hours. I haven't gone to Farley's in a long time since I keep getting vetoed, but I vow to go on Wednesday evening. Sleep has been wacky lately. Reviewing this game has wreaked havoc with my sleep schedule and I don't remember the last time I went to the gym. Yucky. I get back from SF on Friday and I have to book home and change for the company holiday party. I can't get too drunk since I'm leaving for New York on Saturday. I get to see Raina! Yay! My Zegna fascination has been supplanted by admiration for Miu Miu designs. $100 is better to spend on a shirt than $250, right? C'mon, support me on this one.

Moving Pictures I got to see The Return of the King tonight. Sal and I were like 20 minutes late, but still saw more than three hours of movie--crazy. It was really cool and I can't wait to see it on the big screen. Getting to see this and The Last Samurai early has been a treat. More pictures! The last batch of Hawaii pics (*sniff*) Spike TV Video Game Awards fun pics Spike TV Video Game Awards work pics

Unexpected Turns Wow, the last two days have been CRAZY! I got back from Hawaii on Tuesday morning and was told I had to drive to Vegas for work that afternoon. It was a lot of fun, but really draining. The Spike TV Video Game Awards were great, but I drank a lot and made some really, really poor decisions. So far, I don't have any huge regrets, but I definitely shouldn't have walked that path. Oh well. There were some huge changes at work too. Crazy, crazy, crazy.

Aloha Means Goodbye Too I'm down to my last few hours in Hawaii. Bummer. It was pouring the last three days, but the sun is peaking out just a bit now. I totally should move here. The symmetry would be cool. June 1, 2000 -- San Francisco. June 1, 2002 -- Irvine. June 1, 2004 -- Maui. Here are some pictures from yesterday. The girls from the Quicksilver store were super cute!